Oscars

Steve Martin:
Sad sagging misogynist. Get a new gag writer. Whore jokes are so pre-millenium.

Monique. Monique. Monique.

Gabourey. Gabourey. Gabourey.

Show Us The Women.

Truly bummed that The Most Dangerous Man In America, a film made with the blood, guts and faith of brilliant friends and community, didn't win Best Documentary.

Every male actor:
Get with the program. Rock some skin and muscle. Bare a shoulder. Flash a pec or two (waxed and polished, of course). Give us some collarbone and hip line. Fire your stylists and go to African and Asian designers for your look next year.

Kathryn Bigelow:
I'd like to thank the Iraqi people for putting up with 250,000 bombs, 5 million deaths and counting, invasion of your country, theft of your resources, pillaging of your economy, destruction of your water & electricity supply, annihilation of your infrastructure, blitzing of your medical, educational & transport systems, pulverizing of 5000 years of your history & culture - all so I could make this movie.