Kill the messengers

Huge media furore right now in Europe and the Middle East over a leaked secret memo that reveals Bush may have planned to bomb Al-Jazeera's headquarters in Qatar.

http://www.truthout.org/docs_2005/113005Q.shtml

Predictable silence in the American media. Who cares about the proposed slaughter of 400 civilian journalists, in a country supposed to be a US ally? They're all Ay-rabs, right?

When I doubt the value of my own work, I think of people like the Al-Jazeera journalists. Like the poets and writers banned, exiled, imprisoned, tortured, killed, in this country and around the world. All those who face, on a daily basis, threats to their lives and livelihoods, simply for telling the truth of what they see. For speaking and writing. I try to hold myself - and my own words - accountable to them.

I know I'm ready for the Friday show now, for two reasons. One is how tired I am. I know how much better the work could be if there was more time left, but I'm ready for it to be over. I've gone from "if only we had one more week, 3 more days, 6 more rehearsal hours....." to dreaming about mimosas at Mama's Royal Cafe on Saturday morning.

The second is that I'm mourning all the people who can't be here to see it. I always go through three stages in the buildup to a big new performance.

Stage one, 1 - 2 months before the date: I tell friends and family they can't come because I'm too worried about the quality of the work.

Stage two, 2-3 weeks before the date: I stop forbidding people to come. But I'm haunted by the fear that they're coming only to support me - sympathy attendance - and the whole project is really a gigantic extension of my ego. So I hedge my invitations with caveats - "come only if you really want to, if it's not inconvenient, if you're sure you've got nothing better to do on Friday night, if you genuinely feel Migritude has something of value to offer you...."
The people closest to me have learnt to cut me off the moment I say "come only if..."

Stage three, 2 days before the date: The work suddenly comes together. Crackles and sparks. Is better than I dreamed. I want everyone I know to be there because there's one particular line or piece or moment that I will speak to each person specifically. If I could, at this stage, I'd charter planes from London, Bristol, Nairobi, New York, North Carolina, Amsterdam, to bring out all my people. And I miss everyone who who would be on those planes.

I'm so glad Sneha and Chris will be there. With 6 friends - Sneha always brings her posse :-). My sister is one of those people who's learned, after much frustration, to ignore all my "don't come" or "come only if...." protectionism.